The truth is, I had another blog written out, but here I am, rewriting it over. Again.
For those of you that don’t know, I am nearing my 36th birthday. Yes, I have made it through nearly 36 years of ….bullshit.
To me, this is absolutely astounding. I never thought I’d last beyond 25 years. If you knew my whole history, you would know why. But if you don’t, I will eventually give you my backstory. The dirty details behind my 36 years, and why I am where I am now.
I am of the MySpace years. Yes, that site where you post short blogs, “surveys”, and your favorite icons that resembled your interests. Back then, it was easier to get your feelings out, because you were more likely to cover issues with funny anecdotes and pretend like it didn’t really matter.
I wish this was just Myspace.
In the last ten years of my life, I have dated, been engaged, married, and eventually divorced. I’ve felt alienated, assaulted, and detoured. My favorite parts of my life have been oversaturated by the downers, the negative, the lowly. Just when I thought things were going to be better, I was in a car accident that overturned my entire life.
What started as a concussion became a traumatic brain injury, and everything I’d fought so hard to get was wiped out. Outgoing, cheerful, upbeat- I couldn’t find it. I had headaches that turned into migraines, confusion from simple details, the inability to relate to others. And now here I am. Trying to regain my consciousness from a blog.
I feel like I’m 19 again. Begging for someone to understand me, to know exactly what I am going through. Trying to understand myself, and why it is SO HARD to verbalize how I feel. At this point, I’m forcing myself to. Because all of hell has broken loose within my head.
My depression? Oh yeah. Anxiety? Times two. My inability to control my feelings? Trifold. I’m managing these things with medication with therapy.
My problem now? My inability to find someone that believes me. I have been accused of infidelity too many times to count, but now my one night stand before I divorced has turned me into a pariah. Not many know this, but here I am, outing myself. Two days before I left my ex-husband, I had an affair. I promptly moved out. That was two years ago, and now my current boyfriend deems me untrustworthy. It’s started a whole new wave of self-loathing that I cannot fathom on my own.
I wanted to be honest, to begin with. I told him upfront what I had done, and he was good with that. However, it spiraled downward to him not believing me, and it’s become a tumultuous relationship since then. Once a cheater, always a cheater. But see- he is ALSO a cheater. Self-admitted. So why are we still together?
I’ve made mistakes. I was trying my best to make my marriage last and to be frank, it was abusive. Maybe we didn’t recognize it, but there were multiple things that led to me being dishonest. It doesn’t matter now, as it is all in the past. However this current relationship is dragging me now to the depths of my “glory days”- drinking too much, staying up too late, and now smoking. The anxiety they all bring me has become beyond my comprehension.
This blog is only the beginning of my journey.
failure by design 